After more than 40 years of dealing with adolescents pretty much every day - as teacher, parent, boarding housemaster and headmaster - I believed I knew a thing or two about this frustrating and exhilarating phase of the human condition. I felt as though I had experienced most permutations of bewildered and bewildering behaviour, both from adolescents and from the adults around them. And then I met Dr Herb Etkin.

Herb has been one of the top child and adolescent psychiatrists in the country: a person called upon to give expert witness in difficult legal cases involving young people. His professional and personal experience gave me a fresh perspective - he is a fellow of the Royal College of Psychiatrists and has raised three daughters, mostly on his own.

While my experience is of the generality of adolescence, particularly in the context of schools, he has a deep and extensive knowledge of profound issues and problems that seem to me to be relevant to all of us.

In our conversations, it became apparent that we both took a long view: the behaviour of adolescents has been seen as awkward and irritating by adults for thousands of years, at least in developed societies. In less mature societies, where life is a struggle, adolescence is very short lived. It seems, therefore, that the period we call adolescence is a self-indulgent, irksome, inefficient time, to be got over as soon as possible.

Not so. It’s the most creative and influential period of our lives, and we should celebrate it. Yet parents and schools tend to slip into the conformity of managing it as a condition, rather than embracing it as a transformation.

Yes, from an adult point of view, there are real challenges and threats. Adolescence is a time for experimentation, as individuality is shaped and the child learns how to break away from home. The pitfalls are well publicised, from sex, drugs and rock’n’roll to the unforgiving grip of extremist views.

It seems that now the pressures are greater than ever, and our young are succumbing. There is a feeling in some quarters that we are heading to hell in a handcart. Indeed, an initial glance at the potential dangers around sex, addictions and food might be enough to frighten anyone off parenthood.

It is certainly the case that parents and teachers need to keep themselves informed about the threats to body and mind that adolescents may face, even if - particularly if - the knowledge is alarming. But we also need some perspective. Unwanted teenage pregnancies, alcohol abuse and smoking are on the decline. Why, then, do so many parents and teachers feel that it is tougher being a teenager than ever before?

The great game-changer is the online world, and especially social media. Instant contact with large numbers of people and access to vast arenas of knowledge can be a wonderful asset, but only as long as the user is exercising control based on an understanding of the inherent dangers. The rise in mental illness, both at school and university, is in large measure a consequence of the impact of the virtual world on our relationships and our sense of self.

Social historians tell us that there is a reason that villages have tended to consist of around 200 residents: this is the number with whom human beings can sustain some kind of meaningful relationship. But how do we deal with many hundreds of “friends” experienced virtually, with no physical connection?

A child today has access to the largest library the world has ever seen: an array of knowledge that would stagger the ancients. But how does a teenager cope with the bombardment of unfiltered information on the sponge of an impressionable mind? Or the algorithms that latch on to a view and then reinforce it?

A smartphone can turn from being a good thing to a bad thing to a very bad thing. Unfettered and untutored access to the online world has the potential to be extremely damaging. Yet parents and schools can do a lot to educate young people about how to use this mightily powerful tool to their advantage, instead of allowing themselves to be used by it.

Concerned adults can have a remarkably beneficial effect by showing an interest in a child or teenager’s enthusiasm and helping them to have fun and critiquing what they are doing - helping them to make more sense of what they read or do online.

A structured approach to digital learning is in its infancy, but there is some good work being done in this area, giving young people awareness and confidence. It will prove to be a crucial pillar of a relevant and effective education, at school and at home.

At the heart of this approach, we must place the teaching of critical-thinking skills. Such skills have been an integral part of the school curriculum for years, but they now need to be central to everything we do.

We are still in the gentle gradients of the curve leading upwards to the cliff edge, beyond which lies a land where white is black and black is white. “Fake news” is not just a slick term to describe a passing fad. The online world’s capacity to twist and misrepresent has the potential to grow into an overwhelming cancer. It can also be a monumental weapon of mass bullying. Teaching children to distinguish between the fake and the real underpins their ability to see right from wrong.

As a parent looking at schools for my children, I would now place at the top of my list of priorities how the school approaches the teaching of critical-thinking skills. How is this being handled across the curriculum? Is the issue of fake news addressed directly?

Frauds and fakes have been with us throughout history, and will continue to appear, but now they have far greater potency than ever before. Healthy scepticism becomes an essential part of the toolkit: stopping and thinking when we hear something, asking what the author is expecting us to believe, finding out who wrote the story and whether it references credible sources. Above all, we must learn to be honest with ourselves: how does this story make me feel? What does that say about me?

Everything we do as parents and teachers should be aimed at helping adolescents to chart their own path through an exciting time of change and opportunity, helping them to avoid pitfalls without crushing their enthusiasm. Because that is the most striking thing about adolescence. For all the grief and harm, it is the time when we are most creatively engaged and open to the world and its possibilities.

Without the dead weight of adult perceptions of the “realities” of life, adolescents can think big - suggesting a cure for global hunger, reframing international relationships or writing an app to predict avalanches. They will learn about some practical realities, but we should applaud their unshackled belief in the possible. One study of creativity shows that humans are at their most vitally creative around the age of 14. By 17 they are losing it - it is drummed out of them, perhaps, by the beat of convergent thinking, exams and the stated requirements of successful adult careers.

Above all, teachers and parents need to engage actively with adolescents about the online world. Talk and listen; express interest about the game of the moment; talk about the joys and benefits; discuss the issues. The opportunities and advantages of the online world are wonderful. The problems kick in when it is allowed to be a furtive, shadowy, secret place.

Being in the company of adolescents around the world is a great thing. Many face challenges and uncertainties, but they also show an openness and an ability to cut to the heart of the matter.

In July 2018, a group of teenagers from different countries were given the opportunity to devise the agenda for an international conference. Their chosen theme was “the human condition”. There were two principal themes: the impact of technology and social media on their lives; and how they could develop their emotional, physical and mental selves. They wanted to learn more about the science behind emotions, about the effects of cyberbullying, about managing relationships within communities. They were concerned about healthy living, about the value of sport in developing self-esteem, and about good and bad stress. They wanted to find out how learning can be at its most effective, and they were interested in ethics in leadership and the value of meditation.

Adolescents often have a clearer sense of what really matters than adults do. Their chosen themes were central to their present and their future. Parents and teachers need to listen.

Tony Little is a former head master of Eton College and a board member at GEMS Education. His conversations with Herb Etkin about adolescence form the basis of their book Adolescence: how to survive it, published by Bloomsbury Continuum

This article originally appeared in 27 September 2019 issue under the headline “Training up teenagers for the online battleground”