Making children laugh has got to be the best job in the world. For the past eight years I’ve toured the world doing just that, but the best thing about my job isn’t when I make them laugh: it’s when they do the same to me.

The first thing children tend to notice about me is my bright red hair. Recently I had to stop a session because a group of girls was having a heated argument in the middle of the audience. When I asked what was up it transpired they were debating whether or not I was Ed Sheeran. It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever felt sorry for Ed Sheeran. (I wonder if he has to stop his concerts mid-song to clarify the fact that he’s not Ciaran Murtagh - I doubt it.)

I’ll be honest, I was pleased, not only because I’m 20 years his senior, but also because if I was doing this job in the 80s they’d have thought I was Mick Hucknall and nobody wants that.

I visit so many schools and meet so many children that I always try to keep myself dosed up with vitamins. I’ve found the easiest way to do that is with an orange vitamin pill dissolved in the water I take on stage.

However, all that had to stop after one session last year when a child asked me why I was drinking a bottle of wee. I laughed so hard I spat a mouthful over the front row. Good job it wasn’t really wee, otherwise I’d have been hauled up faster than you can say “child-protection issue”.

Bursting my bubble

Along the way, I’ve been asked how much I weigh, whether I gamble and questions about my personal life that would make even my doctor blush.

Then there’s the memorable occasions when, having spoken for an hour about my favourite topic - me! - an eager hand goes up with what you presume must be an urgent question about one of your masterworks. It turns out to be, “Can I go to the toilet?” Way to burst my bubble, guys...

But my most memorable moment was after a presentation in Kuala Lumpur, when a little girl came up and suggested I write an episode of the Mr Bean animated series where he becomes a supply teacher. It made me laugh so much that I did. It’s the episode Back to School. That girl not only made me laugh, but her idea has made, to date, more than 20 million people on YouTube laugh, too.

So keep making me laugh, kids - you never know where it might lead. Just don’t expect any royalties.

Ciaran Murtagh is an award-winning author and screenwriter who has been visiting schools this month as part of the Scottish Friendly Book Tour