For most parents, hearing that your child’s behaviour is ringing alarm bells at school is both surprising and upsetting. For some, it’s the beginning of an exhausting, demoralising slog through the special educational needs system, battling for the specialist provision that their child needs. For others, it can lead to some sorrowful soul-searching: “Is my child unhappy? Unsettled? Testing the boundaries? Or just behaving in a problematic way for no good reason?”

Special educational needs and disability (SEND) and behavioural disorders are completely separate issues, and probably the subject of another column. Those aside, Mumsnet users are firm believers that rule-breaking behaviour should have consequences, and that teachers and schools should be supported in their disciplinary efforts. This stance can be easier to preach than it is to practise, though: when it’s your own downy-headed angel who’s suddenly being accused of something - and it’s even more difficult if they deny it completely or claim to be victimised - the urge to protect them and argue their corner can be strong.

Establishing exactly what the problem is, and that the school’s account is reliable and fair, is important. This is where a good foundation of trust between parents and schools becomes crucial.

Regular communication

I tend to bang on about good, regular, authentic and personal communication between schools and parents - and this is yet one more example of where it can be effective. For schools, it helps to bear in mind the emotional state of the parent who’s receiving information about their child’s poor behaviour, possibly for the very first time. Even relatively mild complaints about cheekiness or tardiness can be chastening for those parents who thought that, generally, they were doing an OK job.

Notifications of truly bad behaviour or harm being caused to other children will be deeply upsetting and confusing for most. Offers to meet face-to-face to discuss the situation can go a long way towards avoiding any overly defensive responses.

None of us are trained for this parenting lark, and some sympathetic professional advice and hand-holding can go a long way. Parents on Mumsnet who have worked with teachers to sign off daily behaviour reports (with or without smiley face stickers) seem to have found it both successful and empowering: these mini-insights into how a child is operating at school can help parents to build a much fuller picture, and remind them, for their part, to return the favour by telling the school about anything going on at home.

There’s also a lot to be said for cultivating a sense of solidarity between parents and the school: if you’re feeling upset and bamboozled because your child has been a pain in the rear end, it can be comforting to know that the school and class teacher are working with you to tackle it together as a team: a full coalition of parents and teachers can be a formidable one.

Justine Roberts is founder and chief executive of Mumsnet. For more, see mumsnet.com/talk/education and follow her on Twitter at @justine_roberts