The greatest challenge of headship in the independent sector, without a doubt, is to negotiate the wishes of paying parents against the needs of their children. It is a tricky balancing act that requires tough decisions and clear messages.

Of course, the two demands are not always mutually exclusive. Rather, they should be in tune with each other for most of what we do as a school. But there can be problems.

One of the trickiest demands is that parents pay fees at prep-school level in the hope of gaining a headstart, and specific training to pass the entrance exams for the secondary school of their choice. These choices can be varied, so the demands on our preparation for their child can be equally varied. Specific academic, sporting and extracurricular achievements can be sought to match a number of different prospective schools. Aspirations are high, demands even higher.

We can provide tutoring, extra sessions, small class sizes and all the support needed. But do we have a responsibility to also manage and guide parental expectations? I believe that we do.

Are they selecting the best choice of secondary school for their children? Often, yes, but not always. The parents’ choice is sometimes the one with the newest buildings, the best marketing, the highest entry demands or the greatest provision for the skills the parent hopes their child has, not necessarily their actual strengths and needs.

A child who is pushed to scrape over the line to gain entry to a very academically driven school will probably struggle to keep pace in this environment. They would probably be better off somewhere with provision that is more suited to their strengths. There, they would be more comfortable, more confident and more able to thrive.

Aspiration versus realism

So should we support the choices and demands of parents or reject them? I believe that we must guide them, help them to find the balance between trying new sports and taking an exhausted child to two clubs a night to try and find something that they excel at; between striving for the best academic achievement and making the child believe that their future success relies upon an exam at 11 years old; between being aspirational and unrealistic.

We also need to support the children. Preparing for ‘do or die’ entrance procedures can put a huge strain on a child. They are often taken around several schools, attend multiple taster days and are prepared for a vast battery of tests. The majority are aware of the situation and realise that a poor performance on a certain day could cost them a place. That is a lot for an 11-year-old to cope with and it is not just at Year 6 that this happens: all the way through, there is a pressure to be ranked, to compare with the rest of the class.

Do we have a responsibility to manage parental expectations? I believe we do

As a headteacher, I am constantly repeating the message that each cohort is different and that comparing a child to a sample of 15 to 20 is not a realistic view on age-related expectation. Top of the class doesn’t mean an academic scholarship elsewhere. The sports field or pool offers no respite, as every selection is analysed to the nth degree: picked, not picked, which team, which position, which stroke in the relay. Can you just do this for my child?

It is our job to shield children from this pressure - we do our best to fulfil the wishes of both parent and child, but not at the expense of the wellbeing of the child. It is also our job to listen to the students and enable their wishes, as well as the parents. If the child loves art but the parent is not interested, we will still aim to assist that student in their passion.

Know what you stand for

I have learnt that honesty and courage are the key elements of success in negotiating this area. If a parent has over- (or under-) inflated expectations for their child, it is in their interests to know this as early as possible. Even in a money-driven sector in which pressure on numbers through the door is as high as ever, you cannot be afraid to stand up for what you believe is the right, or realistic, thing to do.

Sometimes you might not have the happiest customer initially, but you are building towards the best resolution for the child and that must remain at the heart of what you do. By all means, put in place the extra meetings, the one-to-one sessions, the revision sessions and the phone calls that it might take to help that family get what they want, but make sure that it is work directed towards the right goal for the right reasons.

Decide what your school stands for and what your core values are. If you stick to your principles, then you may lose one or two along the way and you will almost certainly take a fair bit of flak but, ultimately, you will create a school with the right ethos and with the children’s best interests at its soul. We are a business, but we are first and foremost educators - and that always has to be the priority.

The writer is a headteacher at an independent prep school in the Midlands