“How are you?” you ask your colleague Amanda, on the first day back at school after lockdown.

You expect the stock response of, “I’m fine.” But Amanda hesitates.

“Actually, have you got a minute?” she asks, gesturing towards a nearby, empty classroom.

You follow her inside, mentally preparing for what seems likely to be an emotionally loaded conversation.

“How are you?” is a question that school leaders ask their staff on a regular basis. But how often do we get an honest answer? And how often do we even desire one? Usually, asking “how are you?” is nothing more than a polite conversation starter, rather than a genuine inquiry.

So, what happens when a member of staff really needs to talk? How can leaders navigate their way through emotionally intense conversations with the people they line-manage - particularly now, in the age of Covid-19, when heightened emotions and uncertain situations mean that such conversations will require even greater levels of self-awareness and sensitivity?

While leaders might have had some training on how to have difficult conversations that address a performance or behaviour issue - something fact-based and linear that we can structure the conversation around - there has been less professional learning on how best to resolve a potentially contentious issue when both parties may be feeling pressured, stressed and fearful.

Imagine, for instance, that a member of staff is struggling to manage the balance between their professional commitments and their personal responsibilities at this tricky time. They feel that the school’s expectations are unreasonable; you may feel they have been given a lot of understanding and support.

To address the training gap around such discussions, we recently led a free online CPD session on dealing with emotionally loaded conversations.

We wanted to supply a space for colleagues to pause, take stock and consider how they are feeling, how others might be feeling and how those feelings are likely to affect the conversations we have in the weeks and months ahead - not only with colleagues, but also with students, parents, carers, governors and members of the wider community.

As part of our preparation for leading the session, we read Nancy Kline’s Time to Think, and reflected on the importance of protecting quality time to think before, during and after such conversations. We explored how the 10 components of Kline’s “thinking environment” can help us to create positive spaces as we navigate emotionally loaded conversations sensitively but constructively, prioritising thinking, emotion and support, enriching relationships and building trust.

During the session, we considered how we can manage those conversations with sensitivity and empathy, but also with the professionalism we need to find a positive and constructive way forward.

Drawing on the insights we gained from the 170-plus educators who took part, here is our step-by-step guide to managing emotionally loaded conversations, both virtually and face to face, as schools welcome increasing numbers of staff and students back to school.

Plan ahead

Ensure that you give sufficient time and thought to the preparation, and the follow-up, in addition to how you will manage the conversation itself.

Consider the value of giving yourself a pre-conversation emotional temperature check as part of your planning and preparation. Ask: what am I bringing to this conversation? What unhelpful assumptions or agenda may I have?

However, beware the tendency to overthink and pre-empt, which can lead to a self-fulfilling outcome. Plan a structure for the conversation, but don’t let it become a straitjacket. Remember the importance of openness and receptivity.

On that note, you should give the person you are speaking with advance warning and time to think and prepare for the conversation, too; you are not the only one who needs to reflect beforehand.

Get the conditions right

Ensure that the right people are having the right conversations at the right time - this needs to be the right time for both parties.

Ask: who is the best person to lead this conversation? Is it you?

Make sure the conversation takes place in the right location, using the right medium.

Create whole-school structures

If you decide that you are not the best person to hold a particular conversation, ensure that the colleague who does hold it has access to sufficient support and training to be able to manage the interaction effectively.

You may need to organise some structured professional development linked to this, particularly to prepare for schools’ full reopening. Emotionally loaded conversations that may have been “saved up” during lockdown are likely to flood us once schools reopen. Prepare for that - and prioritise these conversations when they happen.

To this end, you might consider setting up teams that can support each other, to share experiences and expertise. Draw on the communication skills of all the staff.

Give space to talk

Be sure to talk less and listen more. Certainly you can take the time to summarise and clarify, but listen without interruption first. Consider whether you are giving sufficient time for others to tell their story. Respect others’ truths.

Ensure that you pause and reflect appropriately, so that you don’t simply say what you think others want to hear. Remember that we want to help, but sometimes we just need to listen.

Don’t leave the conversation too early. Have you listened enough and reached the right point? Does the conversation need more time if you are to reach a positive outcome?

Part of your school’s culture

Recognise that the aim is not for one individual conversation to be successful but for relationships to be robust enough so that such honest conversations are part of the school’s culture.

The hope is that the colleague who asks “have you got a minute?” leaves feeling that they have had your full attention and that they have been heard. Talking it through should have helped them to clarify their thinking and to see possible ways forward, and positive outcomes.

When Amanda steps out of the classroom again, there should be a sense of relief and release. The weight has, to some degree, been lifted.

Kathryn Morgan is a former deputy headteacher and teacher educator and Jill Berry is a former headteacher

This article originally appeared in the 10 July 2020 issue under the headline “How should you handle emotional conversations?”