When it comes to behaviour management, relationships matter.
There are lots of ways to do this, from showing an interest in them as individuals and that you care about their education, to being someone they can talk to showing you have high expectations of good behaviour.
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Many teachers will do this and form many good relationships that help classroom behaviour no end.
But then one day that child who you’ve always had a good relationship with, who is rarely anything but a pleasure to teach, behaves in a totally out of character way that you never saw coming.
This can be very disconcerting - even annoying - when you thought the child was someone on your side and the last pupil you’d expect this from.
However, they are still a young person and will act in a way that is confusing to you - and them. So you need to be able to handle this situation.
1. Give them some space
When a child is really struggling, sometimes what they need is some space to bring themselves back down to earth and behave like a rational human being.
It sounds simple, but it’s harder to do in reality. You may feel that, by walking away, the child worries that you’re giving up on them, or it may look to others as though you’ve failed. That’s not the case.
Sometimes, you need some time away from the situation to think through the next move and what’s best for the child.
In my experience, once you return, the child has often calmed down and they’re ready to talk. And by returning, eventually, when the time is right, the child knows that you still care about them - and that is usually vital for the child.
2. Don’t take it personally
I mean, it feels personal. It feels like a massive failure, especially if you’re the one person who’s meant to be able to sort out even the most challenging students.
Children are sent to test us, and test us they will. It’s vital to remember that it isn’t about you - it’s about the child. Are they pushing people away because they’re on a one-person mission to self destruct? Are they testing a relationship? Are they in meltdown mode and don’t know how to handle their feelings?
Are they taking it out on you, because, ultimately, they feel safe to expose a vulnerable side of themselves to you?
It could be all of the above or none of the above. But, crucially, this is about them, and about what they need support with, not about you and your bruised ego.
3. Restore the relationship
At some point, the situation will calm itself, sanctions will have been applied, where appropriate, and the student will have got the support they need. Now, it’s important to spend some time with the student to rebuild and restore that relationship.
Children who test relationships are often the most in need of support to maintain them - and, by spending time with them, in a non-judgemental, supportive and honest way, you can give them the support they need in developing their emotional toolkit.
Some key areas you might want to cover may be: How did we get to this point? What were the signs for you that you were getting into difficulty, before the situation developed? What has been the impact of what happened? What do you need to do to put it right? How can we work together to prevent the same problem in future?
You might also want to consider whether another member of staff needs to be present, to make sure that the outcome is a positive one.
Finding time for this can be really difficult - but it is crucial.
By investing time and effort into children, and ensuring that they have trusted adults, where they build effective relationships, and where they learn how to behave well, is worth every second that we put into it.
Amy Forrester is Tes behaviour columnist, English teacher and director of pastoral care (key stage 4) at Cockermouth School in Cumbria