Couldn’t he just be the creative type?

That’s what Howard’s fiancee keeps telling herself but then the evidence begins to stack up against our well-dressed hero: bow-tie, table napkins, a three-year engagement plus a raft of Barbra Streisand movies planned for the stag night. Added to which he gets kissed by Tom Selleck at an intersection and actually seems to enjoy it. No, despite all his protests, it isn’t long before Howard is dancing to the Village People and out of a job.

Can they do that in America?

US schools are much stricter than us about the kind of music to which staff can be seen dancing I mean can they sack him for being gay?

Ah well, the authorities’ justification for getting rid of our in-the-closet Mr Brackett is that he is warping pupils’ healthy all-American sexual development.

But how can he do that when he doesn’t even know himself that he’s gay?

Good point, but logic deserts poor old Howie at this stage. Teaching is his life. As he says to the head. “I don’t like it. I love it.” Sadly, it isn’t long before pupils are covering themselves up in the showers every time Howard comes in, and our hero is caught misquoting Shakespeare: “Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s gay...”

So does he finally come out?

Yes, and at his own wedding to fellow English teacher Miss Montgomery. She, not surprisingly, tells Howard that he can go and do something rather rude with his precious collection of Barbra Streisand records.

Please tell me there’s a happy ending!

Fortunately, on graduation day ex-pupil Cameron Drake returns and inspires the entire school to stand up and tell the headteacher that it is already gay so clearly being taught by Howard can do them no further harm. As a result of this extraordinary show of pupil power, Howard gets his job back and life in Greenleaf, Indiana, returns to something like normal.

Great story, but it couldn’t happen in Britain.

Absolutely. When was the last time you saw a teacher wearing a bow-tie?

Adrian Mourby