Ah Jedi... backwards is it you want to speak? Then to the right academy have you come. Little green man with pointy ears, knows his stuff, does Yoda.

And is Master Yoda a good teacher?

Is the Pope a Catholic or George Lucas extremely wealthy?

Why do you always answer questions with a question?

Quick way to appear cleverer than you are, these obscure ramblings of mine. Teachers today, I am thinking, have forgotten this wisdom: don’t make it sound too easy. Likewise live in a swamp. But maybe not so important, that one. Tired is Yoda, tired of teaching and older than time but still no pension.

And has Master Yoda taught many Jedi?

Many pupils, all with strange names and ridiculous hairstyles. Yoda has given up telling them to cut their hair. Wayward are the Jedi now, too much TV and too many metachlorines in the blood.

Meta what?

To be Jedi, young must a child be and possessed of many metachlorines or else the force will not flow.

So Jedi school operates a selection process?

Still let Darth Vader in though. Right cock-up was that one. Yoda was against it but other staff members shouted him down. Seen it all before, has Yoda. Star pupil gets full of himself, starts wearing black leather and breathing strangely. And the next thing you know he is destroying the known universe. Right not to make him a prefect was Yoda. Oh yes.

What does it mean, to let the living force flow through you?

Ah, difficult question. At Jedi school we teach pupils to trust to the force and not to use their conscious minds. In this way the living force controls a Jedi’s actions and all is well.

But can you pass GCSEs that way?

Pass you cannot, no. But all Yoda’s pupils can lift spacecraft out of the swamp using only power of mind. Pretty nifty, eh?

But does that help Jedi students prepare for the world outside?

Help? No. Jedi entirely wiped out in next Star Wars episode. To university, I am thinking, not a single one gets.

Sounds like a pretty useless teaching method.

That is why Yoda lives in swamp now. Schools’ inspectors cannot find him here. Oh yes.

Adrian Mourby