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First name your parts

STEELE PRODUCTIONS, in association with Harrass TV, presents a contribution to the Section 28 debate, despite the fact that we think the whole thing has been exploited by those wishing to rubbish Donald the Lemonsucker and the Scottish Parliament.

The scene: an S4 personal and social education class, post-S28 repeal. We focus on three sweat-shirted teenaged boys and their teacher. He is of the tweedy, elbow-patched, old-school type.

Teacher: "Right class, it's gay role-play time again."

Class: (unenthused muttering).

Teacher: "That's enough of that. Now Campbell, I want you to be a male homosexual . . ."

Campbell: (sullen): "No way, sur!"

Teacher: "I beg your pardon?"

Campbell: (louder): "I said no way, sur!"

Teacher: "Look, Campbell, just what's your problem?"

Campbell: "I was a homosexual last week. You says I could be a transsexual this week."

Teacher: "Keep your hair on - you can be a transsexual if it makes you happy."

Munro: "Haw, hing oan! I'm the transsexual. You tell't me that last lesson." (proudly) "I've brought my maw's dress."

Teacher: "Munro, do you never listen? I said you could be a transvestite. Write out fift times: 'Transvestites and transsexuals are not the same thing.' Now, Duncan, what about you?"

Duncan: "I'm no' bein' naebody that fancies men."

Teacher: (twists Duncan's ear): "Double negative, boy!"

Duncan: "I'm still no' bein' one."

Munro: "He could be a lesbian, sur!"

Teacher: "Excellent idea, Munro. You can tear up that punishment. What about it, Duncan?"

Duncan: "I'm no' sure . . ."

Campbell: "You could be a nice-lookin' one, the sort guys say: 'What a waste!' at. You dinnae have tae be an ugly one wi' dungarees, a skinhead and wee wiry specs."

Teacher: "Campbell, you're stereotyping again. How many times have I told you not to do that?

"Well, Duncan?"

Duncan: "I'm still no' sure."

Teacher: "Look, Duncan, we've got three parts left - the gay, the lesbian or the narrow-minded homophobe with more money than sense. Now what's it to be?"

Duncan: "Ach, I suppose it'll have to be the lesbian."

Gregor Steele would like to produce a billboard poster reading: "My son could grow up in a society where the excessively wealthy have an undue influence on public opinion. That horrifies me." (Father of two, Lanarkshire)

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