Sadly, one of the things I have experienced more than I would like is a difficult relationship with my own children’s school. Sometimes, I think it must be me, and then I remember that there is something different about me, parentally speaking, that puts me in a “high-risk category for conflict” (I made that category up. I don’t think it’s officially part of a checklist).

You see, my son is disabled. He has a significant level of special educational need. And I, hapless mother that I am, am automatically in a constant state of anxiety, which, unfortunately for me, makes me somewhat misunderstood.

You see, human emotions and motivations don’t come with a flashing light, or even a badge, and it is difficult for already-pressured adults (that is, the teachers) to interpret what is no doubt coming across as “fussy” or “pushy”, or even “demanding”; someone who doesn’t stick to the rules, or expects to have everything their own way.

Teachers and parents can’t read each other’s minds. A parent comes into the classroom, nostrils flaring, and it’s all too easy to assume that they are what they appear to be, and write them off as just another parent who expects the school to do their job for them.

The problem (for teachers) is that parents really do know their children best, and teachers need to listen to them and make use of their expertise. Working together, putting children and families at the centre of planning, is in the SEND Code of Practice.

Ensuring relationships run smoothly

So, what can teachers do to ensure that relationships run smoothly and, where things have gone wrong, repair the damage?

I wouldn’t suggest asking the head-tilted, fake-smiled, loaded question “everything okaaaay?” - and especially not after school in the playground in front of everyone.

Neither would I recommend listening too closely to colleagues who refer to parents as “that woman”.

A little bit of history is all to the good, but when it turns into gossip that fuels the fire of fear and dislike, it gets in the way of working together - just as it does with children.

Instead, I think we (teachers) need to recognise our power and be the ones to make the first move. Teachers need to really listen - and I don’t mean just be quiet while we wait for our turns - to what we are being told.

Make notes, make eye contact (although don’t do that weirdly-standing-too-close thing); repeat back what you heard. If there isn’t time to finish the conversation, explain that you think it needs a fuller discussion and make a date to have one.

A fractured relationship can always be turned around, and it starts with us.

Nancy Gedge is a consultant teacher for the Driver Youth Trust, working with schools and teachers on SEND. She is the author of Inclusion for Primary School Teachers. She tweets @nancygedge