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Here is our unique guide to Christmas 2004, special gifts and events for your enjoyment during the festive period.

Super Christmas gifts For her:

Ofsted Radar Kit New-style "short notice" inspections can leave teachers and heads looking embarrassed when an Ofsted team arrives unexpectedly.

This state-of-the-art radar kit can spot an Ofsted inspector miles away, giving plenty of notice, so favourite lessons can be wheeled out and classrooms tidied up. A discreet magic eye, easily installed on any classroom wall, emits a high-pitched whine at the merest trace of a visiting inspector.

"We had plenty of time to send all our kids home and rent pupils with top grades. We even got an award for school improvement. Brilliant!"

Elspeth Scattergood Swineshire infants school Standard sensors, pound;500 each; deluxe version (plays Colonel Bogey), pound;1,000.

For him:

Royal jelly Is your man fed up of being criticised by Prince Charles? Does he hurl his boots at the television screen when accused of trendiness, or not knowing his place? Buy him a jar of our luxury honey and royal jelly, produced by bees which have fed on plants that the Prince himself has talked to on the royal estate. Traditional clothing also available, so he looks untrendy in class.

"I felt so traditional after my royal jelly sandwiches, I resolved never to do anything child-centred again. I even changed my own and the school's name."

Albert de Ver Cholmondley (formerly Ramsbottom), Imperial headmaster, Gasworks bogstandard royal comprehensive.

Prince of Wales royal jelly, pound;50 a jar; tweed jacket (with fleur de lys elbow patches) pound;500; sensible, highly-polished shoes pound;150 (valet extra, pound;2 an hour).

For the kids:

Government wheezebox No problems keeping the kids occupied after Christmas with this stunning government wheezebox, packed with bright ideas for children, compiled by the same people who think up initiatives for schools.

Includes Tickbox ticklers, a game for five-year-olds to rate each other on a 200-criteria profile, and then smack anyone on the nose who gets fewer than 190 ticks, and Satprat, a card game for 11 and 14-year-olds, which rank orders them on tests, the losers having to wear a set of donkey ears.

pound;79.99 (extra game available, pound;25: Policy wonk, players pretend they are government strategists and have to come up with useless ideas, like a school with no doors, or a workforce agreement with no money).

Housey housey Not the original version of bingo, but an exciting new activity for children and teachers, based on the Prime Minister's instruction that a house system should be introduced into comprehensives, like they have in public schools.

All the pupils line up and teachers pick the ones with the poshest accents to be house captains. Each captain then selects his (no girls allowed to be captains!) house members one by one, using traditional methods, like calling out: "That tall oik next to the fat kid over there who looks as if he's eaten too much tuck", or "That bit of crumpet standing next to the specky four-eyed owl at the back." Other pupils call out "jolly good" if they approve the choice, or "crikey" if they disapprove.

Boris Johnson Initiatives Factory: only pound;99.


Carry on Number 10 Another hysterical comedy from the Carry On team.

Bookmaker Sid Spiv offers to fund a city academy, even though he has no money. The Government is so desperate to find sponsors, they put him in the House of Lords, where he and his two sidekicks create mayhem, aided by Slugg, the academy head, who is desperate to join them in the Lords.

Dame Hattie Leaguetable

Hattie Jacques

Lord Spiv

Sid James

Lord Tickbox

Kenneth Williams

Thatcher Slugg, the headmaster

Chris Woodhead


Why not visit the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority schemes of work website on Christmas Day? Thousands of fellow crackpots do. Here is just one of the new features to be found on it: Revised early-years profile (update) Tick or cross the following for each five-year-old: Can knit a centurion tank out of old socks Knows hisher place in society Can convert a fraction into a dog kennel, can spell the words "loser" and "peasant". Has got nits and is proud of it.

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