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Mission impossible

Our Lady of the Missions Primary in East Renfrewshire, top of the class with HMIE, offered the visiting media circus the ultimate photocall, with all 700 kids lined up outside with their nine stars for excellence. The thoughtful janny had even provided photographers with ladders to get above the crowd.

As the kick-off approached, the assembled snappers heard from Hugh Dougherty, the council's press supremo: "I'm just waiting to see if Our Lady puts in an appearance herself. She had told me she might drop in, but I believe she's busy today at Lourdes."

"A pity," said a young member of the papparrazi, looking disappointed. "It would have made a cracking picture."

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