The uniform for a think-tank spokesman announcing their recommendations for education would be: long brown shoes, baggy check trousers, blue shirt, red braces, bright yellow buttonhole flower, tall hat with yellow hair extensions, greasepaint and red plastic nose.
University professors announcing their recommendations would wear the same, but the headgear would be a conical hat bearing a large D.
Any pundit pontificating on education who does not have 100 days' consecutive teaching experience within the past three years would be placed in a pillory and pelted with rotten initiatives.
The DCSF - or whatever it calls itself this week - would be given the more accurate title: Working Party Specialising In Daft And Zany Initiatives, aka WOPSIDAZI, and rehoused in a disused factory.
There would be one examining body with a coherent syllabus from Years 4 to 13. Any politician or other non-professional attempting to interfere with this body would be taken away and shot.
The GTC would be scrapped.
A new regulatory body called OFPOL would be set up to regulate MPs - at their own expense. It would inspect MPs at any time, without notice, and assess effectiveness based on attendance, performance and value for money. Standards would be expected to rise, year on year.
OFPOL inspectors would have no experience of politics. Based on back-of-the-fag-packet calculations, I estimate that there must be about 100 failing MPs to be identified and fired.
MPs would be required to sit the key stage 3 Sats every year at the same time as Year 9 pupils. MPs who achieved lower than average grades would be sacked.
The Houses of Parliament would be radically restructured combining both Houses in a new build on a brownfield site financed by a PFI scheme. This would most emphatically not be a scam to redevelop a prime site and make a lot of money.
Existing MPs and Lords would re-apply for their posts to OFPOL. There would, of course, be a "consultation"
Philip Delnon is a supply teacher from Kent.