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Oldlush wants to teach Tia Maria

STICKS and stones may break your bones ... but names can make it impossible to keep a straight face when you are calling the register.

Study of The TES website shows that teachers are happy to indulge in a bit of naming and shaming themselves, by exposing their most outrageously labelled pupils.

The online staffroom chat reveals that Mohammed Ali and Elvis appear to be fixtures in many classrooms. In fact, celebrity classmates are anything but elusive - one teacher had Glen Miller and Louis Armstrong in the same class.

Another has the unenviable task of having to call out Dylan Thomas, Tee-Jaye O'Riley-Bergstrom and Bliss and Harmony Scott-Everest with a straight face.

Sometimes it may be hard to remain positive about going through life with a ludicrous name. But then again while Tia-Maria, Margherita and Chardonnay surely endure endless ribbing, they are at least likely to get lots of party invitations.

Rehana Sultana has the distinction of rolling off the tongue nicely, as does the Australian-Irish hybrid Kylie O'Reilly.

One teacher comments on the blurring of the boundaries between "poncey middle-class" names, such as Summer and Sunset, and those to be heard shouted around the estate: Chanel and Chelsea.

The family of Freedom, Mistral and Sunset at least showed more spark than those of the poor blighter who has to spend the rest of his life turning his head when anyone mentions Stoke.

But the consolation prize for the child whose family showed least charity goes to Kiya Littler ... say it quickly and sympathise.

As if inspired by their charges the chatroom teachers shamefully hid their true identities, signing off as Badhairday, Inky, Sugarkitty and Oldlush. Or do their pen names mask something much worse?

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