I used to teach with two colleagues who discovered, during a bus-duty chat, that they had both been repeatedly fired across a circus arena by a cannon. At first, the fact that two people on the staff had both previously earned a living as human rockets sounded to me like a fairly unusual and noteworthy coincidence.

However, fellow colleagues seemed remarkably unimpressed. The general opinion was that employment as a surface-to-air missile was a fairly predictable earner for a teacher prior to landing in a classroom. Colleagues were far more interested in the fact that the two teachers concerned had both been asked out by the same former showbiz celebrity.

On reflection, I could understand the general lack of staffroom surprise over the cannon-firing coincidence. For surely there can be no profession - no sub-species of homo sapiens even - more suited to being propelled through the air than today’s fully-adapted, naturally-selected teacher.

So whatever we might think of Piers Morgan’s views on the banning of skirts in schools, his recent declaration that he “wouldn’t trust these teachers as far as I could throw them” actually means precisely the opposite from what he probably intended. If Morgan were indeed to try to throw one of us (the man packs over 100kg/16 stone in muscle-based mass and is 6 ft 1inch/1.86m in height), his only difficulty would be in deciding whether to launch us javelin style, or whether to send us spinning away in the manner of a discus.

Evolution has made teachers uniquely adapted for flying. Survival of the fittest has made most of us generally lighter and more aerodynamic as the decades have rolled on. Our world has become about all-day entertainment and energy-expenditure, about near constant mental and physical exertion. We have never been more ready to be launched. 

We don’t really have any time to put on weight. Gone are the days of those stodgy staff lunches in the canteen, of teachers occasionally indulging in a mid-day visit to the pub, of resting over a crossword, coffee and biscuits in the staffroom. Food is now something that is “snatched” rather than something substantial and savoured. Admittedly, many of us might have a soft spot for a colleague’s home-baked cakes but the overall daily calorie intake is still minimal.

The pressures of the job also mean that many of us lose our hair early on. The subsequent decision to clip or shave away the remaining locks helps to make us even more aerodynamic. Many teachers with full heads of hair similarly opt for low-maintenance, closely-cropped hair, just to save a precious few minutes each day.

We also know exactly what to do to gain maximum distance. We are fully adapted to being tossed from pillar to post, to flying with the latest cycle of new exams, new courses, new fads and new foci.

So, if the mighty Piers Morgan were indeed to launch a randomly selected teacher, the airborne educator concerned would almost certainly fly a memorable, “trust”-inducing distance. However, being wrong on this matter would not make Piers a bad man. He works in entertainment and is essentially just working his audience with his comments, all the time. We need to remember this all the time, rather than rising to the bait and responding too seriously. Certainly, no one can accuse me of responding too seriously.   

Stephen Petty is head of humanities at Lord Williams’s School in Thame, Oxfordshire