For some of us, this final half-term of the year is about finding a million other jobs to do rather than writing pupils’ summer reports.

After all, how to write reports based mainly on their online learning? None of us can fall back on our favoured stock phrases. No sentence bank has been written for this scenario.

But it wasn’t as hard as I feared it might be, as it soon became clear there are seven options, covering every pupil we teach. 

“But every child is different!” some may complain indignantly. That may be true, but not every online pupil is different, it turns out.   

I have used seven of my own students for the purpose, though by some fluke of nominative determinism they also happen to offer you a helpful summary of the pupil category depicted. 

1. Ro Tait

Ro, I have been pleased with your commitment in these strange times, though the most striking feature of the work you attach is that I always have to rotate every single image before I can read it. Strange, also, that the format you send it in never seems to enable me to do this easily. I usually have to copy and paste it to somewhere else.

More recently I have tried, instead, to tilt my head to one side to read your and other such students’ work. On your occasional days back in school now, you may have noticed that I now seem to be stuck in that posture. So I am now set well for your future submissions - literally.  

2. Don Myownthing

Don, you have adopted an interesting approach to distance learning. In response to my little reminders about overdue work, you have always assured me that you are  “working hard”.

However, you seem to have decided for yourself what your work should be and have completely ignored all the official tasks set for you. You finally sent me an image of a page of “revision notes” that you claim forms part of a major operation on that front, although the image looks suspiciously like the original notes from your book, given the date at the top of the page. 

3. Page De-Cipher

You have worked well and with ingenious economy, Page. When posting me images from your exercise book, it is particularly clever how you (and many others) have taken to angling the phone camera so acutely that it captures the whole page.

However, this has led to many of your words appearing at this end as some kind of Morse code. As a result, I am thinking of using one of your paragraphs in my weekly Zoom quiz with friends as we are all now getting a bit bored with the usual pub-quiz questions. I hope that is OK with you?

4. Lizzy Notbusy

I shall never forget my recent phone call to your mum...You had plainly given her the impression that you were “on top of all the work” and so she was very surprised when I, as your tutor, had to report that all your teachers were still desperately chasing work set just before Easter.

Well, in a sense, you have been on top of the work, as you have certainly not let it get on top of you. It was really helpful to catch up with you recently on one of your designated days in school and for us to agree on some new targets.

5. Peter Quietly Amazing

Peter, I have got to know you so much better as a result of distance learning. In normal classroom lessons (remember them?) you preferred to keep your own counsel. Our exchanges were always brief, with my generally just coming round and asking “You OK?”, you then nodding and me moving on to focus more on one of your louder and less on-task peers.

However, your submitted work online has been genuinely sensational and we have shared many productive and enjoyable exchanges on this and on life generally. During lessons, you have taught me a lesson, and I will focus differently come the day we are back to normal schooling.

6. Frankie Vanish

Frankie, it is disappointing to report that I have not, at the time of writing, received a single piece of online work from you. There are some for whom there are extenuating circumstances, but this does not seem to apply in your case.

Your distressed parents assure me that you and your sister both have laptops, have the best of internet connections and that they have even received a phone call home commending your sister’s efforts. 

However, I have to say, Frankie, that you have at least helped lighten my marking load; I am not sure I could cope if the whole class were churning it all out and sending in. 

7. Charlotte Shedloads

You have been an exceptional distance learner, Charlotte. Almost too good. You have always gone the extra mile with every piece of work set and my marking is never done and my inbox never empty when I have stars like you around.

You also gave me another good reason for not having time to write reports until the last minute, and so I sincerely congratulate and thank you for that, too.

Stephen Petty is head of humanities at Lord Williams’s School in Thame, Oxfordshire