* It was Ofsted week and the RE inspector was in the Year 1 class, where the teacher was discussing the people who helped Jesus.
"They're called disciples," said one child.
"Yes, and one of them gave Jesus away," said another.
"I know who it was," said Billy. "The one with black curly hair and a red leather jacket."
* From key stage 4 coursework: "Pip was on the marshes when he met a dodgy character called Magwitch who was an escaped convict. He told Pip to bring him some food and a nail file."