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* I was "outreaching" at a local Catholic primary recently when Jonathan confided in me: "Oh God, Miss, I always get mixed up between Hallowe'en and Easter...."


* A howler discovered while moderating English coursework: "Keats' poem has a lovely, genital rocking sort of rhythm."


* Year 9 parents' evening and a colleague had painstakingly gone through David's CATs, SATs and NFER scores and what these would mean for his GCSE chances.

As she drew breath, David's father quickly jumped in: "Look, all I really want to know is what do I give him tonight - a bicycle or a bollocking?" EILEEN LUMBER

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