Management Quality Circle meetings where everyone tries not to laugh when the principal mentions Vision Statements.

Job description:

Makes your job sound like a nuclear physicist’s and top civil servant’s . . . without the salary.

Job market:

There are thousands of redundant lecturers, and not everyone wants to become an aromatherapist.

Job-related training:

Must tell old Bob in Basic Building Skills to ease off Wittgenstein’s Tractatus.

Jobs:

With the New Deal you’ll increase everybody’s job prospects. Er, except your own of course.

Job satisfaction:

There’s nothing like teaching a class of bright, enthusiastic and grateful students about to go straight into careers that pay at least double your salary.

Job security:

No one expects a job for life any more, but it would be nice to have time to take your coat off.

Job sharing:

Don’t bother - you’re probably doing 20 people’s jobs already. No wonder you even fall asleep during Animal Hospital.

Job plan workshops:

Once bitten, twice shy.

Job-to-job mobility:

Not a problem for your students thanks to their wide range of transferable skills. They should have no trouble providing believable excuses to any number of employers about why they’re always late and haven’t done any work.

July budget:

Crisis? What crisis? After the effort to stay awake and see Portillo defeated, did you really expect a summer of peace and love and lifelong learning?

Kennedy, Helena:

The name is a secret mantra for many FE workers, possible winner of the Golden Portakabin Award.

Keyboarding skills:

The practice you get working on your CV should be worth something.

Key information:

Did your lottery syndicate buy the tickets this week?

Key players:

Check at the catering students’ festive Bistro Special who gets the Premier Cru - you or the Directorate. Happy Christmas.

Key skills:

Annoyingly, having to go back to basics and tick-box hell, just when you thought they’d grasped the capital letter.

Key skills programmes:

Don’t worry, you can always blame the schools.

Malcolm Burgess