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Ten ways to get through your first term

1. Wear warm clothing. As a newly qualified teacher you will be put in the classroom no one else wants. This will be a dilapidated mobile classroom, without heating.

2. Carry a mobile phone. Your mobile classroom will be in the furthest corner of the school grounds. When you are faced by a class of savage and hostile children you will need some means of communication with the main site as no one will hear you scream.

3. Always have a pair of binoculars nearby. A must for spotting approaching headteachers and Ofsted inspectors. You will need warning of their arrival to take a sneaky look at the timetable and find out what it is was you were supposed to be teaching.

4. Bring flowers and dusters daily. These are useful tools with which to brighten up your headteacher's office. When your head is happy - you will be happy.

5. Take sweets. When "positive discipline" fails to control your pupils - bribes work.

6. Buy some Blu-Tack. Children have a strange fascination for this pliable, blue material. They will mold t, throw it, stick it up noses and into ears. It will keep them quiet for hours - allowing you time for a much-needed nap.

7. Invest in a balaclava. Wear this at all times when not on school property. If you don't and the children recognise you they will be amazed you are allowed off the school premises. They will follow you endlessly to see what you do and where you go.

8. Keep your car well serviced. Your car must never, ever break down at school. You need it for a quick getaway at the end of the day. If you linger too long the keen, club organising staff will drag you into their dark and terrible world of extra-curricular activities.

9. Carry photographs of your loved ones with you at all times. With your teaching responsibilities, meetings, after-school clubs and work to do at home, you will never have time to spend with your family. You will need something to remember them by.

10. Stock up on chocolate. Chocolate is a necessary stimulant to give you energy and get you through the dark days ahead.

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