A life in the year of Emily Shark
"sex and education, 9G: E Shark. Cover work in pink tray."
Yes! "Show Sex and Love up to part two: 'Warts 'n' All'. Then stop the video and take questions. Thanks."
Why is there so much cover these days? Where is everyone?
"Day-trip to Roman Villa at Fishbourne. Staff absent: R Spatley, M Sleam, S Glape, J Salvatore..."
Bloody hell! How did I miss that? And how did La Sleam fix a whole day drifting around sexy Roman mosaics with the gorgeous Jon Salvatore?
"Miss, we've seen this."
"SHUDDUPP! This is the one with the tongues, and the..."
"OK, but the next bit's better, and they use..."
"Year 9! Put up your hands if you haven't seen this video. Thank you. Pull the blinds down, please."
I can't read this box. Is that 25 minutes or 35? It's a fairly crucial difference in a classroom, guys...
Yuck. I thought they'd give us the how-they-met stuff first. Now, in my mind's eye I see Sleam and sexy Jon sprawled across a Roman mosaic. Go away! Eurgh... Look, where's the rest of the family? Wouldn't there be an annoying little sister scratching at the bedroom door? Or a spaniel?
"Millie and Jack know everything about each other..."
Then what will they talk about when they're 40? And that cartoon inset box does not make this look like a funky magazine programme. It just looks like a pervy cartoon.
It's funny. No one teaches you how to sleep with someone. How to remove your arm from under a snoring man's head. How to make sure you don't wake up with earplugs in your hair. What not to say if the sex goes wrong.
"Sex is all about communication..."
During or after? Look, it's not that easy to interrupt a performance. But giving a review afterwards? Well, then you risk sounding like a teacher.
"They tell each other about stuff they like - and stuff they don't like..."
When? The first time? Only if they want to make sure it's the last. After six months? That's worse.
"What! But I thought you liked the foot thing!"
"Well, yes, I do, but... not when you take so long."
Silence. No sleep. You do feel guilty for getting bored. But by the time he's reached your knees, you've planned your next three holidays.
"End of Part One."
Aaagh! Ten minutes left. Right. Well, I don't know this class and they don't know me. And it might take my mind off Sleam and Mr Gorgeous tearing each other's togas off in Fishbourne.
So come on: ask me whatever you want, kids.
More from Emily in a fortnight