Boot goes in on the beautiful game
OK team, gather round. I want to talk about next week's match against St Gripewater. Now, football is the most important thing in the world. After all, what's our aim in life? To earn big money - and if you can score goals, one day you could be up with the greats, earning thousands, opening drinking clubs, and having fun with the ladies.
But the most vital thing is winning. So we have to beat St Gripewater.
We'll make them lose their nerve and beat them into the ground. We want them walking off the pitch shedding tears. They're losers, and we're going to prove it to them.
You've seen video clips from professional games, and the big matches in the World Cup, so you're familiar with some of the things I'll tell you. What's the referee for? David? Yes, to make sure the game is fair - partly true, but his is only one man's view. Next week's game will be refereed by their deputy, Mr Jellyleg. He's a bit past it, so disagree with him if he blows the whistle. Hassle him, and he'll think twice about cautioning you again.
Shout in his face and wave your arms about a lot.
We don't like St Gripewater. Scowl. Make 'em miserable, and give their players a good shove, but not when the referee's looking, or you might get sent off. You can always argue about that as well, but if you do get sent off, swear a lot and chuck your boots around. With a bit of luck, you might hit one of the Gripewater substitutes.
Now, you might kick the ball over the sidelines occasionally and the linesman will wave his little flag at you, but that doesn't mean you have to take any notice. In fact, it's worth arguing with him too, because he'll probably be mistaken. After all, this match isn't going to be on television, is it? So get away with everything you can.
About gobbing. Look at any close-up in a match on television and you'll see the professionals gob. It's the macho thing to do, but be careful. Some of you can gob a good couple of metres now, but you need to make sure you don't hit one of your own players. Of course, if you hit a player from St Gripewater, that's not a problem.
Your toughest challenge will be Crusher Johnson. Go for him early. Two or three of you should trip him up and then jump on him. When he starts howling and rolls around on the ground, just claim Crusher fouled you first.
And remember, your parents will be watching. Bring your dads to the match, especially if they're big and burly. They can intimidate the referee and hassle the Gripewater parents. Anything that helps us win the game is important.
Hang on, who's this old gent? You're David's grandad and you overheard my pep talk with the lads? Football's not like the old days when Stanley Matthews and Bobby Moore were playing? Sorry grandad, never heard of 'em.