Stuart Ritchie of Learning and Teaching Scotland revealed details of his past life as a schools inspector at a recent curriculum conference on literacy.
Visiting an unnamed secondary in the west of Scotland, he did what all good inspectors do - had a rummage in a cupboard. He came across a bulletin where one of the assistant heads had written a helpful guide on what teachers should ensure their pupils do not say when an inspector calls.
Among these forbidden gems were: "Are we not getting the telly for the whole hour as usual?" "What do you mean we have to speak?" "Why are all the teachers standing at their doors?"
And Ritchie's personal favourite: "You're in early today, sir."