Diary - Startling syndrome
For those of you new to the profession or who simply cannot fathom your small charges, "research" has revealed that childhood is, in fact, a psychological syndrome.
Jordan Smoller, of the University of Pennsylvania, has come up with a paper on how childhood, "a symptom that has only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians", has several core features.
These include congenital onset (it is almost always present at birth); dwarfism (physically short relative to the population at large); emotional immaturity (as with some adults); knowledge deficits (an inability to discuss politics, arts and science) and finally legume anorexia (children who never eat veg).
As for treatment, the sheer number of children has made government intervention inevitable, according to Mr Smoller, in a large-scale programme known as school.