Always ready to bring you the news that prints to fit, we learn that a teacher was arrested at Gatwick airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believed the man was a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute values.
"They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country."
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: "There are three sides to every triangle".