Michael Jackson visited a school to open a new kitchen... and "melted"
after a batch of pizzas were set on fire. Luckily, the Queen was on hand and quickly pulled out her mobile to alert the fire brigade. But she need not have bothered, as Jesus Christ turned up and miraculously doused the blaze.
These events all happened in the minds of key stage 3 pupils, as they let their imaginations run wild in response to an unusual assignment in their English tests last month.
For the short writing task, candidates were asked to write an article for the school website about a mystery celebrity's visit to open its new food technology room, which had taken a comic turn when pizzas were burned.
One marker on the TES website said: "Anyone else had Michael Jackson as the special guest? In one script he melted after the pizzas set fire and in another...the pizzas (turned) black and then by magic white."
Jamie Oliver appears to be vying with Gordon Ramsay as the celebrity-of-choice, although examiners also reported a sprinkling of Ainsley Harriots and a dash of Delias. One had seen a paper which said:
"Jamie Oliver is one of the best cookers in the world. He is magnificent for everything. He is like a cow jumping over the moon."
Another contributor observed drolly that Jamie should change his name to "Jaime": "Much more exotic, especially when there are all those 'piazzas'
to deal with!".
Footballers were also popular. Alan Shearer dominated entries from a Newcastle secondary, while one pupil had Steven Gerrard setting up a football academy and turning all the pupils into international players.
One teacher wrote of yearning for someone to write about the Pope, or God - and some entries came close: "I had Jesus working his miracles over the burnt pizza, which was a hoot to read," said another.
There were also royal appearances: "Heaven help us!" said one surprised examiner. "The Queen has just pulled out her mobile phone and phoned the 'fire bergade' to save everyone!". In another answer, the Queen went trampolining with the head.
There were, as ever, many howlers. One pupil wrote: "People want to eat well and keep exorcising."
But perhaps the most bizarre report concerned not the answers themselves, but the way they were presented: all of one school's scripts arrived covered in muddy boot prints.