- I have the school's prom in a month's time and want a cocktail dress, but all the ones I find are rather short, or a little too plunging. I don't know where to start.
- I was forced into going to the leavers' disco (sorry, can't bring myself to call it the prom) and wore a nice, black, calf-length dress.
- I went to a hunt ball a few years ago and there was a group of women all in pastel-coloured taffeta gowns, like remnants of the 1980s. They bobbed around the dance floor looking like animated cupcakes.
- Just try to imagine what the girls will wear and wear something completely different. You are not a teenager. Get drunk by all means but DO NOT DANCE.
- I danced last year with the deputy head. I was wearing a stunning strapless, fishtail gown with jade green sequins (bit of a Jessica Rabbit dress) and by the look of the photos he was either terrified I was going to pop out of the top or rather hoping that I would.
- If I can't fake the Black Death on the night, it'll be a full-length purple velvet number I've had for 12 years but never worn.
- Being a bloke (and a miserable old git to boot), a cocktail dress - whether short or plunging - is out of the question. Last year, however, I did swear blind that I would turn up in a gold lurex catsuit and thus managed to be excused attendance.
- Scuba gear.
- I shall not be going. It's difficult to avoid being truthful about how the girls look. The boys just look either screamingly camp or hideously uncomfortable.
- Go as Lady Godiva.