Presents fit for inspection
The fishing hour video
Is the woman in your life fed up with the literacy hour? This exciting video on fishing will brighten up her life. The first 15 minutes is a whole class lecture on how to hold the rod (interactive, of course: "What is this?", audience chants back: "It is a fishing rod"). Then a 15 minute lecture on the history of the reel, 20 minutes individual or small group fishing (not more than two ability groups) and nine minutes revision. Only 59 minutes instead of an hour. She'll love the sense of dangerous anarchy.
Gradgrind Publishing, Pounds 19.99.
OFSTED joke book
Packed with side-splitters about the organisation he loves to hate, like:
"I say, I say, I say. What's the difference between the chief inspector and a haddock?". Answer: "One's wet and slippery and the other is a fish." Or:
"How many OFSTED inspectors does it take to change a light bulb?" Answer:
"Ten. One to remove the bulb and the other nine to decide whether it should be replaced or put under special measures." Alternative answer: "One. The lay inspector is an electrician."
Gradgrind Publishing, Pounds 5.99.
For the kids
Exciting competitive game for children to play at home. Everything is graded - how well they eat their baked beans, tidy up, get washed and dressed. Points then used in a board game to see who can go top of the league and humiliate their brothers and sisters. Put an end to all those moans on Sundays, like: "Oh mum, can't we do some more SATs?" Dotheboys Hall Enterprises Inc, Pounds 14.99.
FOR YOUR FAVOURITE TEACHER
Based on the highly successful motoring books on advanced driving, this pamphlet sets out techniques for becoming an advanced skills' teacher. Explains tried and tested winning manoeuvres, such as "the u-turn" (abandon your principles and espouse whatever is fashionable), "safe overtaking" (get parents to complain about your colleagues, so they slip out of the reckoning and you sail past them), and "the slyway code" (smile at governors when you see them, offer the head a cup of tea and the best biscuit).
Machiavelli handbooks, Pounds 4.99.
FOR YOUR FAVOURITE HEADTEACHER
Snowy White and the seven governors
A beautifully illustrated storybook about Snowy White, head teacher of Dwarfland school and the governing body. Amusing account of how Grumpy wants all the staff to wear academic gowns, so Dopey is made chair of the Dress Code Working Party. Hilarious ending when the working party can't agree on dress, so the staff have to turn up to the annual prize-giving ceremony stark naked.
Naff Books, Pounds 7.99.
FOR YOUR SCHOOL MEALS SUPERVISOR
Forget Delia Smith, this is the authoritative text on how to cook "generally sound" food without failing your inspection. Mouthwatering recipes for that special gourmet school lunch when inspectors call.
Crudites: A selection of local league tables, chopped and seasoned.
Potage aux legumes: An "above the national average" soup made from "vegetables", ie registered inspectors who talk like the speaking clock and simply follow procedures to the letter.
"Thick" stew: A slow-witted lay inspector's socks, simmered on low heat for three hours.
Profiteroles: Pastry dessert filled with the best ideas to emanate from OFSTED, ie hollow.
Cappuccino chief inspector: Mainly froth.
Gradgrind Publishing, Pounds 9.99.