Rispek to Macbeff ... innit

19th June 2009 at 01:00

Yo blood, lissen up, innit." "I'm sorry - but shouldn't you be teaching your Year 8 class now, Mr Williams? And why are you talking like that?"

"Check it - I is readin' in dat Time Educashun Supplimint about how some of the yoot is havin' problims with their learnin' 'cos we teachers ain't speakin' in de language wot they understan'. Now I don't want them failin' their tests, or de Govermint will be leanin' heavily on me shoulder, know wot I'm sayin?"

"Oh dear. Is this to do with that course?"

"Rispek! I is glad you is appreciatin' that I has spent my weeken' on a corse run by de local educashun honchos to learn us teechers a bit o' street, innit."

"Are you seriously intending to talk like that in lessons?"

"For real, blood."

"But you're 48. And you're from Wiltshire."

"Yeah, man - but I know some o' the doods is havin' a bit o' trobble unnerstandin' my lessons on that guy Shakespears. Yo! Wot dat man cood do wiv a feather an' a tub of ink, eh? Anyway, I is gonna sum up de tales for them 'cos I know dey is anxious to get outside and do some twiddlin' on their mobiles."

"And how, exactly, are you going to do that?"

"I is gonna tell them about this honcho Macbeff - he's a cool dood. He is well in wiv de King - they is like bosom buddies 'cos that General Macbeff am so good wiv a shank he'd clean up somethin' special playin' Grand Theft Auto. People was well feared of him and Bro' Banquo, wot was also a mean fighter.

"Anyways, they is crossin' de heaf when they is confronted by these three bitches, man, and they is well mingin'. They has warts on their noses and dodgy breff and stuff like dat. They is tellin' Macbeff he will be main man o' Scotland before much time is pass."

"Please tell me you didn't use the word 'bitches'."

"... Well, when Macbeff's Mrs hears dis, she ain't waitin' 'round till de King die, so she get her husbind to waste him instead - merk him up 'n' shit.

"The missus is up all nite tryin' to wash blood off her hands wot ain't there and sayin', 'Is this a shank I see before me?' Then Banquo come back as a ghost right when Macbeff is eatin' his dinner, scarin' de shit outa him."

"I've really got to teach now, Mr Williams ..."

"Macbeff thinks he better talk wiv them heath bitches again and they tells him, 'Beware, man, specially of a dood called McDuffer.' But Macbeff thinks they probly bin on the weed 'cos wot they say don't make a lotta sense, specially when they tell him he can't be wasted by man born o' woman.

"They tell him to stay cool, man, 'less he sees Burn 'em Wood come to Duncesname. So Macbeff don't do no serious frettin', but then McDuffer gets this army o' bruvvers together and they dress up as trees, man, and they come and attack the castle, innit.

"Macbeff says, 'You can't waste me, man, 'cos you is born o' woman.' But dat's the catch, 'cos McDuffer was born in a Caesar section, so Macbeff is wasted and Malcum, de King son, get to be main man after all."

"Good grief. Are you going to keep this up all term?"

"Fo' sho! Next week, we is doin' Chorcer. Yo!"

"Right. Oh, I'd recommend you take the gold chains and that hoodie off before the head sees you."

Mike Kent is headteacher of Comber Grove Primary in Camberwell, south London. Email: mikejkent@aol.com.

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