THREE Great Wisdoms I have learned this weekend: the first was that all a 13-year-old girl wants for her birthday is to watch an 18 movie. A PC of one's own is all very well, as are huge clumpy shoes and more make up than Lily Savage gets through in 12 months but what Sarah really craved was an illicit film for her sleepover.
In the end, because the decision was left to me, I let Sarah and her friend Dixie write out a list of
possibles, then went down to the video shop myself. Those movies which involved ritual disembowelling I eliminated straight away. I also eliminated anything by Kenneth Branagh - on the grounds of bad taste and sheer self indulgence - all of which left me with KB2, "a complex story of triple double dealing" with two girls in bikinis and exotic Florida locations. pound;2 for 3 nights.
My suspicions began to be aroused when KB2 turned out to be the sequel to Killer Bimbos and Sarah made it clear that she and Dixie wished to watch it on their own after everyone else had gone to bed. Having already gone against the censor's advice I didn't feel very well placed to come the moral father now so I duly let Sarah and Dixie place their duvets in front of the TV and snuggle down. Next morning they seemed unharmed, retelling the plot to each other over breakfast to my complete mystification, so eventually I said I'd better take a look at KB2 myself. "No Dad, you can't!" gasped Sarah as if I'd suggested some deeply immoral act.
Well for all those of you who don't already own a copy I can now report my second wisdom. KB2 is basically harmless with an unbelievable plot, two passionate kisses between the heroines, a dead hunk (who had always sounded as if he had laryngitis) and one naked bosom (though it might have been a blancmange, the shot wasn't very clear).
Blancmange and some bad language aside it hardly merited an 18 certificate but watching it helped me to my third wisdom. When we took KB2 back this evening Sarah skulked resentfullyaround the Teletubbies as if she intended to stay there for some time. Forbidding the illicit will only make it more glamorous. Sharing it with your children will probably put them off it for life.