15th October 1999 at 01:00
Teaching assistant to new intake four-year-old: "Come on James, it's time to practise writing your name."

Blank look. "Would you preferred to be called Jimmy?"

A blanker look. "Talk to me and tell me which you like best, James or Jimmy."

"Well, I'd like to be called Jimmy best of all, but really my name's Ryan."


A Year 8 English lesson on persuasive language focused on convincing excuses. Martyn told of his infallible method to convince his Mum he was too ill to go to school. It involved a toilet bowl, frozen peas, a tin of minestrone soup and orange juice. There was a moment of silence. Then a voice from the back was heard: "Ugh, that's sick."


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