It is a situation teachers often face: there you are quietly enjoying a cup of tea in the staffroom, leafing through the latest multi-page missive on behaviour management from the Department for Children, Schools and Families, when a boy bursts in from the playground.
"Quick, quick," shouts Andrew, one of the school's most charming and knowledgeable tell-alls. "It's Gordon!"
Apparently Gordon, once popular enough to be voted chairman of the school council by the other pupils (OK, it was his friend, Tony, who was voted in - but near enough), is now being accused of grabbing children by their lapels, shouting and shoving.
So what would you do to tackle these allegations of misbehaviour?
A quick survey of opinion in the TES Connect staffroom reveals the boundless ingenuity - and black humour - of teachers.
"In an ideal world, I would have him caned, then a detention where the traditional form of punishment of lines to be carried out. Then a meeting with the parents. If it continued, immediate expulsion . Once you are out, you are out. (If it were a false allegation, then) reinstatement. Expel the other boy, give him a double dose. Then an apology to the first boy. However, such a mistake would be unlikely to happen because there would be a full investigation first into the incident."
"(I would) Remind (Gordon) that working hard and meaning well are nothing without good looks and charisma, so how about switching to media studies? As a sackable aside, I might tell him that whiny, persecuted little miseries . are at this very moment pussying off to Sir to complain that he is bullying them. Keep shouting, Gordon, I'd say. It's the only way to motivate the pointless little twerps."
"Tell him he will never get anywhere acting like that."
"(I would manage his behaviour) By heaping support and praise on the best looking and most articulate male pupil in the class and ignoring him completely . for ten years ."
"I would imagine GB was probably a diligent and well-behaved pupil. I doubt very much that he was a bully, and I don't think he is one now, but he has had a reputation as being one for a long time, and that is catching up with him."
"Do you mean if he, as PM, bullied children in my class what would I do? Oh that is easy, contact my local MP to complain. My local MP is David Cameron . he would be soooo happy."