Arthur Daley should place an ad in the TES forums. Teachers are crying out for cheeky little motors, says Bill Hicks.
The poet got it wrong. It's not April that's the cruellest month, it's May.
Just as the scent of incipient summer hits your nostrils, with buds bursting and hormones surging, you - teenager, teacher, parent - are pitched into the deep hell of the exam season.
But although this is gloomily reflected in our forums, I'm veering off on more cheerful tangents. Fast cars, crazy ladies, and rock 'n' roll.
You'll find them in the Prospective Teachers' forum, a bastion of youthful optimism, currently brimful of the lucky ones who've secured PGCE places for September and can't wait to get started - on the work and the social life.
Take stonepoet, who wanted to know: "Any student teachers in a rock band?"
And added: "I hear all this stuff about how an actual life is impossible as a PGCE student and i'm hoping this isn't true as i want to keep up the music."
Captaincampion offered comfort: "I do know a student teacher in not one but two regularly gigging rock bands, and he does brilliantly. He can often be seen sitting at the back of the room doing lesson plans whilst waiting to play, but he manages fine."
If you're in a band, you'll need wheels. Luckily, cherrypops had already popped the question: "I know this has nothing to do with teaching (well it does a bit), but what car does everyone have? I will need to buy one for the PGCE year, and have no idea what to look for."
Here's a scientifically adjusted sample of your responses:
"I love my dad's Nissan Micra. It's the new kind, and it's a great small car."
"I'm getting a Polo for next year."
"I have a Citroen Saxo."
"A 1991 Ford Fiesta."
"I have a Nissan Micra Inspiration 1999."
"I have a Corsa (with five gears). It's a 1.2 and I only have to put 10 quids worth of petrol in it a week!"
"A 1995 Polo."
"An 03 reg Renault Clio 1.2."
Are you getting the picture? What I see is the car park of almost any state school, packed with nippy little runabouts just like these. Our prospective student teachers have already got their choice of motor right.
First hurdle jumped.
But there's always the maverick, and in this thread it was Tommy77: "I drive a Ford Capri mk2 in black... also a 70s Opel Manta 2L rally version.
Dare I say I also have a motocross trail bike 600cc that can scare old ladies off their shoes?"
I wonder what subject Tommy77's going to be teaching.
And the crazy ladies? There's dear longwood for a start: "I've got a Yaris 1.3 sport and LOVE it to bits (i fear i am a bit like the nutty woman on the advert)!"
You're all crazy about cars. Me, I'm cycling home tonight.
Bill Hicks is editor of the TES website. www.tes.co.ukstaffroom