Monday Two things dominate my life at the moment: IT and threshold. My wife has assumed the mantle of IT co-ordinator at her school and is determined to cross the threshold.
She has to be in school at 7.30 this morning.
"I'm meeting the man from The Network today," she announces as I take her tea in bed at 6.20. At this time of morning I decide I can't quite take it in. We got our new Tiny computer package back in January. We are still waiting for the promised pound;500 refund.
Tuesday Why is threshold like the menopause? Because it's long, drawn out, and leaves you all hot and bothered. What is the difference between threshold and the menopause? You don't have to fill in a 50-page form to pass through the menopause. And thus we amuse ourselves after we have seen the threshold video.
Wednesday We had some fun again going through the big fat User Guide, which arrived with our Tiny package. With a glass of wine (no, a bottle), we read up on Cheyenne Bitware, BitComs, BitHlps, Wizards, Intellimouses, TX logs, and Hyperterminals. Until I read this manual I always thought Hyperterminal was what you got when you did playground duty on a freezing day in January.
"I've got Cyberlink Power," my wife announces after her third glass.
"Well I'll be a USB," I reply, astounded.
Thursday She's going through her notes given to her by the man from The Network. She's looking gobsmacked reading about patch panels, hubs, CAT 5E wiring and Dildo cabling going all round the room.
"No dear, I think you mean Dado cabling," I gently correct her.
I'm just glad I'm out of it doing supply teaching in a school where children still know what pens and paper are for.
Friday "What's megahertz?" she asks.
"It's a unit of measurement for CPU speed. The bigger the number, the faster the CPU. Some CPUs are defined by a PR," I reply. She looks agog. Together we reach for the chardonnay.
David Thomas is a retired head. He lives in Leeds.