Monday We are going to be part of the local education authority's intensive support programme. This is because we cannot set targets at key stage 2 which are above the floor target of 65 per cent. We will approach the programme with our usual humour and enthusiasm, backed by a fully outstanding Ofsted report in December 2005.
Tuesday The school cook has slipped on a fallen potato in the hall. She has twisted her knee and is in considerable pain. I complete an accident form and then go to every classroom to give the health and safety lecture. I decide to give the children marks out of 10 for the state of the hall floor to prevent further accidents. I have a feeling that this floor target will be equally difficult to improve.
Wednesday The Year 5 classroom is due for a new carpet. Ian the class teacher had eventually chosen a fetching shade of blue and he is now busy clearing the classroom with Tom the caretaker. We can save pound;50 if we have the carpet fitted during term time. The Year 5 class will be out on Dartmoor tomorrow so the carpet fitter can work all day in peace. Ian throws away five bags of rubbish and discovers resources he had filed away for a rainy day.
Thursday It's a lovely day. The Year 5 set off with their water bottles and waterproofs just in case and the carpet fitter completes the job. I think I may have met a floor target. The classroom looks wonderfully clean and airy. All Ian has to do is put all the furniture back again after a long day on the moor.
Friday I attend a meeting with headteachers and the director of children's services. I discover that there are floor targets for levels of deprivation, for health and for "worklessness". I am pleased that floor targets are being shared round with equanimity. I may put myself forward as an expert. I also wonder whether those who have the privilege of monitoring these targets are known as sweepers? In which case, Tom could teach them a thing or two.
Val Woollven is head of St Andrew's CE primary, Plymouth