Watch your back (and front) for pupils

31st March 2006 at 01:00
It is summer. Term is over, and the harried teacher is unwinding on a Mediterranean beach. Relaxing into the moment, she decides to take off her bikini top. As she shuts her eyes and enjoys the warmth of the sun, she hears the two words guaranteed to shatter her hard-won bliss: "Hello miss!"

This is one of the spine-chilling tales currently on The TES online staffroom.

For some, it appears that there is no sanctuary free from pupil infiltration. One contributor said: "I was getting changed after a workout in the gym. Just as I was standing in my Valentine's Day red bra and pants, I heard, 'Hi miss' from a Year 11 girl."

Another commented: "My colleague was taken to the ward with a newborn baby.

She woke next morning to find a Year 11 girl in the bed next to her."

Other teachers found that they had cause to curse the popularity of the Saturday job. One teacher wrote: "I was waiting to be measured for a new bra. The curtain opens and in sidles the assistant. The words 'Hello miss'

initiate a rapid dressing action."

Another met with the same greeting between the racks of fluffy handcuffs and rubber dildos in her local Ann Summers.

Meanwhile, some teachers find that pupils tend to appear just as they are indulging in behaviour out-of-keeping with their classroom persona. One was caught greasy-handed, as she tucked into a large box of KFC take-out. She had just given a lesson in healthy eating.

Another said: "Very drunk in a nightclub. Fell over on the dance-floor, only to be picked up by one of my Year 11 boys."

But more worrying than any run-in with current students is the inopportune encounter with a former student. One teacher found that her ability to mould young minds was cast into doubt during a walk through a local underpass. "A bloke was sitting half-way in, under some influence, shouting abuse," she said. "As we were going past him, he shouted 'All right miss!'

Then he continued to abuse the other passers-by."

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