What kind of swimming attire do you think Michael Gove sports? Speedos or Bermudas? Or, God forbid, au naturel? I know, I know ... I've seared an image onto your mind that could ruin the summer hols. Sorry.
Better that, though, than worrying about the national Sats scores released this week by the Government. It was kind to publish them in the first full week of the six-week superbreak, wasn't it? We looked into them, so you don't have to. "Sorry darling," you won't have to say, "I won't be making it to the South of France as I'm busy interrogating the latest national Sats scores." So, after days of careful analysis, we can offer you this headline conclusion: It's all fine, really. Primary schools are doing A-OK and so are their pupils. There has been a surprising drop in level 5 reading but no one really knows why. Quick ... back to the beach.
Or, alternatively, quick ... back to the Fringe. This is the week that will see a small army of English teachers making a dash for the Edinburgh Festival, in a bid to reinvent themselves as theatre types. As usual, 2011 features a cornucopia of plays about schools, and teachers. Full marks must go to Ian Winterton, a Senco and author of a play about a Senco, who explained that his work prepared him for the nightlife. "I'm not a violent man," he said. "But I can keep my head calm, sort situations out. That's come in useful in Edinburgh - in the bar, at 6am - once or twice, I must say." Not very "daaarling".
There is, it turned out, another rather more famous edu-luvvie. Enter stage-left: Matt Damon. The Hollywood A-lister, we learnt this week, was spawned by an education don. And boy, does the Bourne star love teachers. So much that he turned up at a "save our schools" rally in Washington last week, an event designed to counter the Obama administration's adoption of "standardisation in education". "I flew overnight from Vancouver to be with you today ... because I needed to tell you all in person that I think you're awesome," he told the gathered educators. This begs the question: what about us limeys? Why no Daniel Craig at the NUT conference? WHY?