1 Researchers say girls' school uniforms restrict energetic play. What do teachers say?
a Damn right they do
b No, I haven't got the key
c But hobbles are the coming thing, Dear
d You're not supposed to use it as a sling
2 Enid Blyton's books are being adapted to modern times. What will be next?
a Five Get Asbos
b Vertically Challenged Women
c Orlando Gets Neutered
d Charlie and the Healthy Alternative Factory
3 An expert says science should be fun. What does Noddy say?
a I'm going to experiment with Dinah Doll
b Let's see what happens when I slam on the brakes at 80
c Hey, Well-Endowed Ears, go and jump off the roof with Mr Jumbo and we'll see who lands first
d I rubbed The Skittles together, and now I'm nice and warm
4 Churches were luring parishioners by showing the World Cup. What do they use now?
a Crucified effigies of Sven-Goran Eriksson
b Threats of eternal damnation
c Free bread and wine
d Nothing very much
5 British sportsmen have now lost absolutely everything. What do teachers say?
a I blame the uniforms
b If they all jumped off the roof together, none of them would land first
c Remember Orlando
d At least we've still got The TES
Answers under the crossword
Quiz answers: 1a, 2c, 3a, 4b, 5d