What are they on about?
How would you feel after two Snickers bars, a dozen assorted fruit chews and a litre and a half of Sunny Delight? Pretty much the way I feel now. But my queasiness is all down to a magazine I have picked up in my local Spar. What are they thinking of, displaying material like this on the bottom shelf? Honestly. What if a child were to pick it up?
Listen, I'm not a Martian or a Trappist monk. I always knew there was something out there called My Little Pony. I've seen the creatures in other people's houses. I even picked one up once - just to see if I could.
But a magazine? With puzzles and stories and lots more? Keep that thing away from me.
Having said that, I won't deny that it's instructive to see this stuff set down in pink and mauve. Like having a bad dream captured on video. You can get to know the beast - can look it in the eyes.
Here comes one of them now, trotting towards us, his purple mane flowing from beneath an orange baseball cap. It's Clever Clover, and he is off to Flowery Field to meet his friends Sky Skimmer, Dainty Dove and SweetBerry.
Will they stroll along the banks of Harmony River, visit The Land of Dancing Flowers or frolic in Friendship Gardens with Sun Sparkle, Morning Glory, Petal Blossom and Moon Shadow?
Perhaps they will canter down the Path of Happy Memories, recalling the time Tipsy Tulip flew over the rainbow on Light Heart's magical Canopy Bed, or the funthey had when Wingsong met the Bluebirdof Happiness.
Here's a picture to colour in (be sure to have your pink and powder blue crayons ready). And here is a recipe for a lovelyhallucinogenic drink made out of driedmushrooms and boiling water (ask an adultto plug in the kettle).
What's that? Oh sorry - my mind was wandering. It's just struck me, you see, that this magazine, with its hippy-dippy references and Cat Stevens song titles, might have been produced by a weird religious cult that any day now will burst on to the TV news in a ball of psychedelic flames.
See this? In small print on the inside back cover, there's a note to readers. "Sadly," it says, "this our last issue of My Little Pony."
Don't say you weren't warned.