Worm, Inch - Futures Delivery Taskforce

22nd May 2009 at 01:00

ITEM 1: TWITTER. The newly-formed Let's Big Up Social Networks project is looking for ideas. "Twitteracy v Literacy. Can we please start an entertaining debate? Tweet your suggestions, yeah? Maximum 140 characters lol x." We brainstorm all the way through our frappaccini and ginger nuts. Our conclusion is that books are more portable (you can't read Twitter in the bath) and less cumbersome (even War and Peace doesn't have 140 characters). Memo To Selves: find out what Twitter actually is at some point.

ITEM 2: OPPOSITION. Insufferable. Huge piece in The Telegraph on Bryony Stamp, head of the Shadow Futures Delivery Taskforce. "Clever, attractive, sexy and fun. Is this the new face of Blue Sky Conservative Thought?" Don't worry, says Caz, when our lot become the Opposition WE'LL be the Shadow Taskforce. Good point, although we really ought to check that ... shit! It says here Bryony's team will make their public debut on TV quiz show Eggheads - two weeks before OUR appearance! Memo To Selves: be cleverer. Be very cleverer.

ITEM 3: ADULTHOOD. We've been asked by the Joined-Up Workplace Unit to freshen their strategy, as "adult learners are at their lowest since 1997". That's remarkable, says Sandra, I thought people were getting taller. Idiot. They don't mean adult learners are shorter, they're just MORE DEPRESSED. How to boost their esteem? Well for a start, the Learning To Learn initiative looks very old-fashioned. This is the 21st century and everything's lower case in one long word, with embedded numbers. We need to push the idea of "learning to learn" into a new phase. After a couple of hours we've rebadged it learning2learn2learn2.0 and we're ready for lunch. Memo To Selves: enhance case for return of in-house catering by putting expensive boozy takeaway lunch on expenses.

ITEM 4: SPEAKING. The success of children's public speaking competitions has, inevitably, called a new inter-departmental action team into existence. It will monitor speaking confidence levels in children aged 11 to 15. Or 11 to 14, it depends how the funding goes. They need an inclusive name for the initiative, so as not to discourage non-confident speakers. We suggest Every Child Mutters. Memo To Selves: put that in capital letters, it looks more assertive.

ITEM 5: CONTROL. Request from the Behaviours and Attitudes Committee, who are keen to explore ways of engaging pupils in non-violent social activity. Hm. For younger children, perhaps invent a judgmental cartoon character called The Behaviours Elf. Older antisocial children could be assigned a mentor with a Taser. After some thought we conclude this is more an "enforcemental" than an educational problem. Apparently "almost half of secondary schools in England have a dedicated police officer". That suggests to us that the other half simply can't be arsed. Memo To Selves: Get up to speed by watching The Wire. Inchworm.

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