VISION MISSION. Panic. Caz suddenly remembers we were supposed to update the Output Deliverables Taskset at the end of last month. It slipped through the net because someone - Sandra, actually - had filed the reminder under Mission Imagineering instead of Vision Mission. Nobody's noticed yet, but literally any minute we could get a call from the Strategy Unit asking for the latest version. Of course, the cynics will argue that all we're doing is rearranging abstract nouns into a meaningless 10-point list. Well someone's got to do it and it's not going to be the cynics, is it? No, it's going to be Think Tank Muggins here.
CLASS SIZE. There's an urgent request for us to "think a way out of the class size problem" so we have a thorough brainstorm all the way through to elevenses. The best course of action is for teachers to stop calling themselves middle class, as it's skewing the profile of the profession. "Perhaps we should start calling teachers classless," suggests Owen. Idiot. That just makes teachers sound unemployable. No, we go with Max's idea: categorise teachers by size, not class, and call everyone "medium to large".
SCRUTINY CAPS. Policy want a position statement on headteachers observing lessons. Apparently they're only allowed to do it for three hours a year, and now Team Gove has waded into the debate by calling for scrutiny caps to be abolished. Obviously we can't ask Policy what scrutiny caps are - that would make us look under-informed and behind the curve. We conclude that they must be special caps worn by (and on!) heads, with little cameras in to monitor the teaching process. Team Gove has a valid point here. Caps should be worn by pupils, not teachers, and never in the classroom. We suggest they switch to the more discreet alternative of mini-cams fitted into clip-on ties.
TEAM BUILDING. Cutbacks mean team-building exercises have been severely restricted. No more paintballing weekends or jungle survival adventures. Grimly, we all spend half an hour practising fist bumps.
DELIVERY. The amended 10-point Output Deliverables Taskset is as follows:
1. Demonstrate the benefits of deliverable outputs.
2. Check outputs against delivery.
3. Promote and enhance benefits.
4. Deliver enhancement of benefits through vision.
5. Facilitate vision of delivery.
6. Promote enhancement of outputs.
7. Develop capabilities to deliver the strategy.
8. Check strategy against deliverable vision.
9. Improve vision.
10. Check delivery of delivery.
It's identical to last year's list except I've swapped round numbers 3 and 8 to keep line managers on their toes. As people on both sides of the political debate keep saying, the priorities for Government are clear: delivery, delivery and delivery. Ah, here's the pizza. Inchworm.