You've made your point

22nd February 2008 at 00:00
Kate is seeing daggers after being subjected to modern interpretations of Shakespeare

Dear Bex,

"OK, Shayne, let's go through this one more time."

It's after class and I'm desperately trying to coach my laziest Year 9 into achieving at least a D in his end-of-term exam on Romeo and Juliet.

"Let's look at the scene where Romeo meets Juliet on the balcony. Now, why does that happen?"

"Dunno, Miss. Because she's well up for it?"

I sigh. "Shayne. This is the finest romance in western literature. How can you possibly come to that conclusion?"

"Because it says: 'the brightness of her cheek shames the stars'. So she's obviously going commando, innit."

I shake my head. "Let's move on to the character of the friar. Now can you please refrain from referring to him in essays as 'the pimp daddy'."

"But he's a Mr Fixer, innit. And he's got a mad hoodie."

"Shayne, he's a monk. That's not a hoodie. It's a cowl."

"Yeah well, he should try telling that to the security guards at Bluewater and see how far his booty gets kicked."

I shuffle through my papers. "Let's recap what we learnt about Macbeth from last year in case you can use it for background. You said the witches gave Macbeth bad advice because - and I quote - 'they're all mingers'."

"Well they are mingers, innit. That's why they live on a moor. 'Cos there ain't no mirrors."

I sigh. "They're witches, Shayne. They're mythical creatures."

He fiddles with his sleeve. "Yeah, well maybe that's why they ain't getting any."

I flip through my file until we come to an old essay. "Nowhere in the play does Lady Macbeth utter the words, 'Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?'"

"Yeah well, that was from memory. It sounded realistic."

"It's also highly unlikely she would have been sending sexy texts to Banquo."

"Whatever, Miss."

"And while we're on the subject, it's King Lear not King Leery."

Love Kate x

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