Monday Our sixth-form French exchange group leaves wet, windswept Manchester. Colleagues have ribbed me that this is not a “real” school trip, as all the students are far too nice. I spend the journey reminding them to beware of pickpockets. We arrive in wet, windswept Lille. The fear is palpable as they realise they are about to be handed over to strangers who include, horror of horrors, two French sixth-formers who look as if they might be slightly uncool.
Tuesday At the busy Metro station, Julie looks dreamily at the youthful policemen who periodically stop and search passengers. When she asks what they are doing, I respond: “Ils controlent les voyageurs.” “Well I wish they’d controlent me,” she says.
Wednesday Our students pass verdict on our exchange school’s toilets and lunch: both terrible. Meanwhile, my colleague and I have unrestricted access to a state-of-the-art staff toilet which cleans its own seat; and to wine and coffee with the delicious lunch (the same food as our students). I avoid opening my mouth during the afternoon lest my slurred words reveal just how much wine I was forced to consume in the interests of cultural understanding. I sober up the moment my colleague realises that all that Metro jostling was deliberate: she has had pound;50 and her passport stolen.
Thursday During our tour of Lille, the guide tells us that she appreciates British students because they are so attentive - unlike a French group she had last week. When she had asked these French students, who chatted during her commentary, to move to the back, their teacher had angrily defended their “right to express themselves”.
Friday Tearful goodbyes between our students and their exchange partners. In the train, they select a single adjective to pin down each member of our group - impossible in my case, so they settle for describing me as “cheery paranoid”. Return in time to take my own children to the school play; six months of rehearsals put the difficulty of preparations for even the best school trip in perspective.
TONY ELSTON
Tony Elston teaches at Urmston grammar school in Manchester
