If a primary school was a woman, Her statistics ideally would be Thirty-six, twenty-six, Thirty-six: what a mix!

Pure perfection, as all would agree.

But please tell me, O wise Mr Woodhead What’s the shade and the shape of her eyes?

Is her hair dark or fair?

Are her feet small and neat - Or of odd disproportionate size?

Does she work in a leafy green suburb?

Are her neighbours the middle-class kind, Or from crumbling, damp flats On a huge estate that’s No stranger to poverty’s grind?

Is she patient? Quick-tempered? Good natured?

Are her children well-ordered or wild?

With league tables as shown, From statistics alone, Can I trust her to nurture my child?

Lois Angell is a teacher in Exeter, Devon