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1 A German newspaper described Alan Johnson as a 'fully trained postman'.

What does this mean?

a Second-class policies will be delivered late

b He'll sort everything out, and get it all wrong

c Most of what he delivers will be junk

d He'll be given the sack

2 Crime has gone down in a school with police in the corridors. What do teachers say?

a Just think what the SAS could do

b Can I borrow your truncheon?

c Don't go into 4B without riot gear, you fool!

d I don't care who you're chasing, you're not allowed to run indoors

3 Ice cream vans have been banned from school gates. What do teachers say?

a Never mind, there's a chip shop across the road

b They'll be banning the drug dealers next

c At least it gives the police somewhere to park

d In my day you couldn't sit down for a week after visiting Mr Whippy

4 GCSE grades went up in a school where the pupils took fish oil. Where will this lead?

a Fish-oil vans at the school gates

b Japanese whale meat on the national health

c Obese clever kids

d Random sardine testing on University Challenge

5 Older exam invigilators can't spot hi-tech cheating. What do invigilators say?

a Is that a jar of fish oil in your pocket?

b A "Biro"! How fascinating

c What do you mean, you need a wall socket?

d So young, and so many hearing aids

QUIZ ANSWERS: 1a, 2d, 3b, 4d, 5c

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