With a brazen disregard for all those GDPR regulations, an anonymous source has posted to me a bundle of dusty old files and exercise books. Contained within is the early primary schoolwork of some of the best-known figures in today’s education and politics.
Here, for instance, is a selection of their youthful responses to the classic educational starter question “What is 2 plus 2?” Some have questioned the authenticity of my package but, reading their answers, I think we are left in no doubt. They are - in a word - chillingly foretelling…
Schools minister Nick Gibb: 2 + 2 = 29. Working: “I’ve included contributions from numbers 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 in the calculation. This makes mine one of the highest figures in the class, Sir!”
President Donald Trump: “Two add two? Not answering that question. Fake twos.”
Prime minister Theresa May: “What I do know, Miss, is that 2 plus 2 is at a record high.” [Mysteriously, Theresa has rubbed out all her working.]
Former minister for education Michael Gove: “Do you know what? I really don’t care if you and other so-called teacher experts claim that the answer is 4. If I listen to Blob teachers, I’ll never forge a career in making every pupil rise to above average.”
Something doesn’t add up
Current minister for education Damian Hinds: “When I grow up I want to be a racing driver. You know where you’re going and everyone on the team knows what they’re doing. The last job I would therefore want is to be secretary of state for education. (Not sure I have done the right homework, Sir?)”
President Vladimir Putin of Russia: “Sometimes 2 + 2 = 2 . It is necessary.”
Ofsted chief inspector Amanda Spielman: “The answer is plainly 4, though I am fed up, Miss, with playing this numbers game. Can’t we do more varied, colourful and creative work from now on - while still assessing it all with four ridiculously simplistic adjectives?”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn: “Sorry it’s a bit late, Sir. The answer might be in the region of 4, but I don’t think we should rule out other options. There’s not going to be a witch-hunt, that’s for sure.”
Boris Johnson MP: “2 - and then 2 more come along! Sounds like a fun night, Sir!”
These documents are uncannily portentous. As Aristotle claimed: “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.” Though maybe it’s more a case here of “give me a desperate, straw-clutching politician and I will show you a child of 7”?
Stephen Petty is head of humanities at Lord Williams’s School in Thame, Oxfordshire
