BLIND DATA: Bloody teachers. Life would be so much easier if they just filled in their data collection sheets properly. The Department’s trying to put together a profile of the profession at the moment. Specifically, one that demonstrates a huge amount of respect and goodwill among teachers for everything this government has done for them. Alas, our questionnaires are either ignored or filled in with sarcastic data. In response to the question: “What would make your job easier?”, we’ve had the following from one Year 9 head: “Less paperwork, a three-day week, X-ray vision, double the salary, being allowed to smoke in the staffroom.” God, if they think teaching’s hard they should try THINKING for a living. Bunch of whingers. They’re always posting rhetorical questions in their stupid forums, like: “Who’d be a teacher?” Er ... YOU would, apparently. Idiot.
JAZZ DETENTION: Memo from Discipline and Enforcement. There’s been a 12% perception slip in public attitudes to detention. According to our research there is apparently “a significant unmet need for vengeance”. Detainees are simply not suffering enough. We propose Jazz Detention. Pupils are locked in a secure room and have to endure an hour of freestyle jazz played by a retired chemistry teacher in a shatterproof booth.
WATERLOO SUNSET: Secret after-work drinks with the Shadow Futures Delivery Taskforce. We’ve decided to join forces in an attempt to out-manoeuvre The Gove, who has pledged to reduce the nation’s think tank capability in a misguided act of prudence. We want to be in the bit that survives. Our prospects improved recently with the revelation that our manager Scary Paula’s in a long-term relationship with Bryony Stamp, head of the shadow team. We need to collaborate secretly to make ourselves look invaluable. Paula says we must concentrate on research that tells “Michael” what he wants to hear. Bryony agrees. History, that’s his thing. History and Britishness. “He always goes to fancy dress parties as Lord Nelson ...”. Sandra makes a rude remark about “Mr Gove’s Telescope” and we get another round in.
BRITISH HISTORY: Bryony and I swap notes. Her team’s been working up History proposals, eg, The British Empire as Compassionate Conservatism, how the Industrial Revolution was based on a “Swedish Model” and allowed workers to choose the factory of their choice, how trade unionism led to the First World War. My team’s ideas for promoting old school Britishness include: reintroducing country dancing, compulsory conkers, and the replacement of Al Gore’s hot weather horror movie with a promotional film called Our Island Story, narrated by Jeremy Clarkson from the footplate of a classic steam engine.
ASSEMBLY: Brainstorm ideas for a Contemporary Assembly. Themes include United Nations General, Welsh and Flat Pack. Inchworm.
