Alun Pelleschi, head of Deincourt community school in Derbyshire, has taken to awarding bottles of wine to teachers who go beyond the call of duty in their pupil report-writing. An unnamed art teacher won the latest prize for the following assessment of a favoured Year 8 pupil: “She has not burned herself out but I was expecting her to be banging on the door of level 6 by now. I am sure it will come in time, and if last year is anything to go by it was not until after Christmas that her after-burners fired up and shot her hurtling through those lower levels.”

Meanwhile, the RE department got to write the following pearler: “Overall levels indicate that Heaven is making steady progress in RE.”

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