Teacher’s voice: “Can anyone tell me what conception means?” Girl’s voice: “It’s what happens if you don’t eat enough fibre.”

EDWARD TRANTUM

* I was on playground duty when one of our reception children approached me:

“Jordan’s off today, Mr Roffey.”

“Is se?” I replied. “Do you know what’s the matter with her?” “She’s gone to hospital to get an infection,” was the solemn reply.

BILL ROFFEY

* Me: “Did you take Shaun’s crisps?” Darren: “No, Sir. They were just lying on a desk, so I put them in my bag in case someone nicked them.”

JOHN COSGROVE