a It’s material correctness gone mad

b Did he take the labels off the bottles?

c Paper cuts are too good for him

d I’d rather be on the Clapham omnibus

2 Polish customs officers shot at a German pleasure boat for unpaid alcohol and tobacco tax. What did the Poles say?

a We wanted to be first this time

b Na zdrowie!

c See, it really is bad for your health

d It’s all right if you only shoot in moderation

3 A nursery school has built a crazy golf course to get its children fit.

What do the teachers say?

a I’d have gone for an assault course myself

b Fit! They’re lethal enough as it is

c Keep your alignment closed and swing from the inside out, otherwise you’ll hit the pirate ship

d It’s just what this country needs - toddlers with a bunker mentality

4 A 10-year-old boy in the United States has been charged with terrorism after threatening to blow up his teachers. What do his parents say?

a It’s just a phase

b They grow up so fast nowadays

c It’s better than bottling it up

d It serves them right for teaching him chemistry

5 Official statistics show that a fifth of five-year-olds cannot read and write well enough. What does this mean?

a They spend all their time on the golf course

b Their teachers spend all their time on the golf course

c They just don’t care what happens to Peter Rabbit

d They want to be President of the United States when they grow up

QUIZ ANSWERS: 1a, 2d, 3c, 4b, 5d